yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
