Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
