just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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