I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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