I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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