I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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