whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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