I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
