Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you didnt know i had herpes?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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