i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
