I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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