The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
