Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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