Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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