I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I faked an abortion last night.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
