when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
