You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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