My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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