If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
