my phone needs a breathalizer
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
