Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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