thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
