Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
