The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
