Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
