I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
