we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
