My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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