It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
