You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
