All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
