it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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