i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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