No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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