I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
