Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
