By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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