First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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