I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
