Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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