they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
