There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
