Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
