Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
