walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
