I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he thought i was a dude.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
