i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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