somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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