my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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