I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
it's great music for shaving your balls
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
