Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
