I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
