I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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