Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
