He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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