Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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