this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
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