Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
