I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
