You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
